The Passing of Flatus

In England recently, fragments of an Elizabethan-period drama have been discovered which many scholars believe to be the work of William Shakespeare. I would say that this is a fair guess, though no one can possibly be sure at this point. Some scholars have scoffed at the suggestion that the work could possibly have been authored by Stratford-on-Avon's beloved Bard, pointing to the many anacronisms and glaring mix-ups which appear in the fragments, such as the co-existence of Roman soldiers and a feudal king, the mention of Valhalla, etc.

Most accredited scholars have pooh-poohed these pooh-poohers, reminding them that Shakespeare's works often contain inaccurate historical or geographical references. Only a handful of pages have turned up so far and since there are no markings other than neatly written text these fragments are thought to be by the hand of a copyist; and the pages themselves were found among documents which are known to be copied texts.

These fragments have been tentatively titled The Passing Of Flatus. So far only the following fragment has been released for public perusal. It appeared in the Oxford Oxcart January, 2005. Spelling has been modernized and pasteurized.


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Act one. Scene one. A field.

TREMENS:
He is most foul. Behind our noxious general
Have I in battle marched, in discipline
Unmatched, in loyalty uncompromised;
Most honored of our Roman soldiery;
Yet would I spill my blood upon a sword hilt
Than stand as his lieutenant in Valhalla.

SLAPPY:
We like two paddles wielded by an oarsmen
In sweet concordance jointly wend one way.
Here in these shadows let us like two thieves
Concur in means by which to dispossess
Our legion of this windy general.
Tremens, we must incite some mutiny,
And it be lawless and unmilitant:
Some crafty and satanic subterfuge
Wherewith to weaken Flatus and to change
Him from his armor to the less applauded
Costume of a rude civilian.
Let's have a blacksmith's apron round his paunch,
Or sullied vestment of a scullery knave.
He is too noisome and malodorous
To don the raiment of a general.

TREMENS:
Your words have weight to make the burden light
That like a stone hath lain upon my heart
Since first these machinations of revolt
Were whispered here betwixt thy lips and mine.
Slappy, let none have wisdom of our words
Lest our ignoble and unkind designs
Bring disarray or disrepute to Rome.
For we are Rome. Our lips and tongues are Rome;
Our hearts flush with the civil blood of Rome;
Our swords are honed upon the plinths of Rome.
Flatus, albeit of prolific scents,
Of sickly smells and sour obnoxious stinks,
I say, this fuming, this effusive Flatus,
Is also Rome; his bairns, his wife, are Rome.
Therefore let Caution join us. We are Roman...

SLAPPY:
Tremens, the horse you beat unmercifully
Now runs upon the sunny plains of Heaven.
Drive not thy boot against the dormant flesh
That lifeless draws the fly into the ditch.
Caution shall be our sole conspirator.
Upon this point we stand in such accord
As needs no poetry to give it strength.
In darkness like two devils in Abaddon
We whisper, making shadows lisp demonic.
The night has sympathy and brings soft winds
To mute our sibilant serpentine connivings. (Rubs hands together)


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I will post more fragments when and if they become available.